Men, pity and fools

I've just remembered how much I love Mr. T. He is incredible. And the answer to the question of 'what is it to be a man?' The answer is the T of course. The epitome of manliness- he doesn't suffer "foohs" lightly, and is ever ready to dish out some trademark justice (http://gravyboat.tripod.com/sound/getrough.wav).


On May 21, 1952 the man, who would one day be known to the world as Mr. T, was born in to a poor family. Mr. T himself said "I was born and raised in the ghetto, but the ghetto wasn't born and raised in me". He went on to star in one of the best loved TV shows of all time. But it is only after researching the truth of the T that I have found how astounding he really is. Below is a list of the top 34 facts about Mr. T, and I defy you not to be in pain (http://gravyboat.tripod.com/sound/pain.wav) from laughter by the end of the list.

1. According to Mr. T, Jibba Jabba is the official language of 99.9% of the world's population
2. Briefly, before hitting the big time, Mr. T was a hairdresser to the stars. There were no survivors
3. Mr. T once owned a beauty parlor called "I Pretty the Fool". No matter what anyone asked for, they always receieved mohawks and a heavy dose of pity
4. The pitying of individual fools is now illegal in most eatern-european countries, since only Mr.T is fully able to pity them all simultaneously, and nobody likes favouritism
5. Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you
6. Mr. T did not invent the Atom Bomb. He did, however, invent atoms
7. Mr. T has so many gold chains that the Earth's center of gravity changes depending on where he is on the planet. Out of fear for the safety of the world, the U.N. bought Mr. T a house on the moon, where he curently resides
8. Mr. T takes a 1 Liter does of Botox everyday to prevent his face from collapsing on to itself in anger
9. The only thing Mr. T hasn't pitied is pity itself

10. Contrary to popular belief the Aztecs were not wiped out by Spaniards, but in fact by Mr. T so that that he could use their gold to make his jewelry of power
11. Stephen Hawking was once a strapping young athlete and genius until Mr. T unleashed upon him his Theory of Pittitivity and labeled him a fool. The gravity of the situation crashed down upon poor Hawking and left him how he is today
12. For God so pitied the world he sent T to do it in person.
-Original John 3:16 passage before it was changed to reduce intimidation among Christians
13. Mr. T's tears cure all known disease. Too bad he has never cried
14. Mr. T makes twenty minute insta-brownies in under seven minutes
15. The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles

16. Mr. T's Mohawk is not held up by hair gel, his hair is just scared of him and is trying to get as far away as possible
17. When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold
18. Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang
19. Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's
20. Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time
21. Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods
22. Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity

23. Mr. T wasn't born, he shed a woman
24. Mr. T once stared at a woman for three seconds. She instantly became pregnant
25. Mr. T wears sunglasses to protect the sun from his eyes
26. Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him
27. Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it
28. Mr. T only eats the Ts in his alphabits cereal. All the other letters are pitied for being fools
29. If you play "Mother, there is No Other" backwards, you can hear Mr. T pitying you for being a fool
30. Mr. T has never lost at anything, so when he was forced to lose in Rocky III, he lost his mind and ate Stalone's children, and pitied the director until his head exploded. The explosion became the basis for the aliens weapons in Independence Day
31. The Oil Crisis of the 70's was a hoax. Mr. T horded gold all decade to create his stockpile of neckchains for the 80's, plunging the world into recession
32. Many years ago, Mr. T went to a McDonalds restaurant. He was asked if he wanted his meal Super-Sized, and he responded by consuming the entire restaurant. Since then, McDonalds has stopped the Super-Sizing option.
33. Mr. T is actually listed on the periodic table of elements. His element symbol is Ba, and his atomic weight is pain
34. The theme song to 'Law & Order' is the exact sound of Mr. T's heartbeat

So there you are. The list has spoken. Although I can't take any credit for these, and indeed there are more to be found, so go there and refresh not only your browser, but also your soul.

So I should try to be like the great Mr. T, but I fear that nature may have dealt me a far harsher hand. It seems that I on reflection, I find myself closer to Murdock than to BA Baracus. Murdock the fool. Murdock the insane. Yes, Captain 'Howlin Mad' Murdock.

I am Murdock


They call him "Howling Mad" and with good reason. Once a top notch pilot, the pressures of war left Murdock mad. He is known for his smirk, variety of personas and overall mental instability. When he isn't spending time institutionalized, Murdock is using his flying skills for the A-Team, driving B.A. nuts and talking to his imaginary dog.

Which A-Team member are you???

So maybe I should heed BA's warnings about trying to get to close to him.(http://gravyboat.tripod.com/sound/brothers.wav)

But still, I think we have in Mr. T the best example of what it is to be a man. Whether he is appearing in his comic, his spin-off TV show, his raps, or his story books, we should just gaze, in wonder and awe, in the hope that he pities us fools.